I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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