did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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