Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
