Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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