if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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