Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am available for nakedness
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
