Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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