While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
