I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
