dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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