I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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