how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
