my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
