I wish my penis had an off switch
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
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Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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