Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
