Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
