I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
