I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
