pop tarts are not kleenex
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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