Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
