just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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