Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
