I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize