We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
