meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
