I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
