We need to rekindle our bromance
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
