i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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