Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
