my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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