So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
