i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
