Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
