No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
