I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
