i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
