I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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