Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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