i barfeds in our rink
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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