I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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