and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
