Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
