Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
