i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
