when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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