I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
