Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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