He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
