Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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