I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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