you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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