I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Congratulations! We have a period
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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