you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
