I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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