I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
