I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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