I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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