We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
