Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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