Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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